Archive for February, 2010

Ticks me off Tuesday

My first post on my new blog.That sure feels good.

Like I tweeted earlier today,I barely used my old blog.Uploaded two posts in four months or so.

Right now however I feel the need to get something off my chest that I can´t put in 140 characters and since I´m not sure who is reading my Facebook posts I started this new blog.

So,what ticked me off today?I think I might have to get to this later in this post.I promise there will be a lot of ranting so hang on.

Apparently there are other stalkers on Facebook and Twitter and they are not all Collective Soul related.

I did separate my Twitter and Facebook accounts from my “real life” with good reason. It might sound crazy,but I want as much space between me and my family as I can get. And since I used to life in a very,very small town and all my friends know my parents and family this is not so easy.

As I mentinoed early before I had to get over a six year relationship in the past few months that mainly went down the drain thanks to my thyroid and the symptoms I had to deal with. No,I´m not going to start whining now.

I am actually relieved that it´s over and crazy as it might sound I am thankful for my Hashimotos disease (for all non thyroid patients: it´s an autoimmune disease that destroys the thyroid tissue).

I finally realized that I wasn´t the person I wanted to be. I kept on pretending to be someone I´m not to please others (ex-bf and parents for example). I gave up on a lot of things I loved and a lot of plans/goals I had.

I´m done pretending now. I have to admit though,that I´m a lot more twisted and weird than you might think.

For one thing,there is a reason why I´m posting in english and why I´m watching american movies/tv shows and read american newspapers.

When I was younger,my parents had friends from Pennsylvania who visited us regularly and who spent their holidays with us.The first story I remember from my childhood is “Green Eggs and Ham”. I used to have a whole bunch of american children books and I learned english before I even went to school. I was made believe that my parents actually had the urge to visit their friends in the USA. And they showed me pictures and their friends taught me a little bit of american history. Hell they were even talking about letting me spent a year or two in school there in order to improve my english and make me “have a better future”.

Nice story right? It was until about twelve years ago. Suddenly these friends disappeared into thin air. No more letters,no more phone calls. No one told me why back then.And I still don´t know all the reasons. I was trying to put together the pieces of info which I found over the past few years. Apparently a mutual friend of my parents and their friends got drunk one night and shot his wife straight in the face. She didn´t die,but she was severely injured. I still don´t know why,but my parents and their friends somehow got in a fight because of that. And from that second on the topic USA was completly banned from my home. I can´t even count how many times I tried to convince my parents to just write a simle letter to their friends.Of course they didn´t listen. And I can´t even count how many times I tried to convince them to let me take part in an exchange programm.

So there I was. Speaking english almost as good as german with the idea in my head that I might actually be allowed to spent a whole year in Pennsylvania and all that was taken away from me in a few days.

I made my first big mistake back then.I stopped fighting and just accepted the fact that what I´ve been dreaming of for a few years was never going to happen.

The second big mistake I made a few years later. I gave up making music to please my ex bf who has no sense for music what so ever. Up until that day I was living music. It has been such an essential part of my life. I played in two symphonic orchestras and music was practically everything to me. I don´t know where I´d be right now if I hadn´t stopped playing.

I found my love for music once again. I heard an orchestra play Concerto d´amore from Jacob de Haan. I had my first on stage solo in that piece and hearing it once again made me cry (yes,I know I´m weird).

I knew what was missing from my life. So the next day I went to an orchestra near by and started playing again. And I started listening to music again.

And I made a drastic but important decision. After my graduation in about a year, I´ll get out of here (germany) as fast as I can. Again,I am aware of the fact that this is completly crazy. That´s just how I am.

So,after posting the reasons why I am such a strange person, I am finally getting to my Ticks me off Tuesday

First of all I have to admit I got that phrase from Krimsin´s blog. She did however allow me to use it for my blog today.Thank you for that!

Where do I start??? Maybe I´ll start with what made scream and rant a few times those past few days.

Rumors,accusations and High School.

Why do some people have nothing better to do with their life than spread rumors and destroy other peoples reputaion?

It makes me sick to read all that fucking crap about people I know. Maybe we should take all those damn drama queens/ cheap whores and and drop them off in Wysteria Lane because that sure is the place where they belong. Add a few Collective Soul look alikes to that and I bet we get one hell of a show.

There is a thing called “life”.Maybe you should try that instead of making up your own world where every member of Collective Soul adores or does what ever with you. I don´t even want to think about what is going on in those sick minds of those stalker bitches.

What makes me so sick about all that shit is that this is in no way related to music. To those “fans” it doesn´t really matter what kinnd of music they make. If Collective Soul was a zydeco band they might just be as crazy about them as they are now.

I am really here for the music. I don´t want to be related to that drama in any way. I don´t follow anyone elses lead. I have my own opinion about things.

Another thing that really pissed me off today is Vodafone. I do have a contract with them for landline and internet. My internet and phone connection was supposed to be made THREE damn fucking weeks ago. They still haven´t managed to send someone over to activate my port. So instead of having a stable internet connection (which would be so great since I NEED the internet to study) I´m stuck with a god damn Surf Stick. This piece of shit is so slow it takes 5 whole minutes to load my farm. Watching youtube videos is almost impossible. 20 minutes to load a 3 minute video. And all the examples I need to watch for phonology are on youtube.

Another think that is really pissing me off right now are time zones.Yes,I know.There is nothing I can do against them.

I applied for a social media internship at dearthyroid. A great organization that saved my life once or twice. I´m still waiting for an official answer. That´s not their fault though.The great person who founded dearthyroid lives in LA. Which means she is nine hours behind my time. So I´m sitting here,biting my nails while waiting to hear back from her only to realize that her day jsut started and that there is no way she could already have read and answered my mail.

I guess I just have to live with that. Some of the other things I can do something about though. I will keep blocking everyone who gets in my way (real life or Facebook/Twitter) and accuses people I trust of things.

And I´m going to go to one of the Vodafone shops around here and kick some ass so that they finally give me a proper internet connection.

I bet I find some more things to post about soon.Maybe even in a week, but then I´d have to ask for permission to use that TMOT phrase again….

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